Log in

No account? Create an account
Modus Operandi [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Modus Operandi

[ About the Sickness | Research ]
[ Archive | Memories ]

If nothing else you remember, remember this: [Sep. 12th, 2006|07:59 pm]
[Location |Finally Home]
[Musica |Sufjan Stevens]

Link7 decisions|In a minute there is time...

From now on my journal will probably be mostly... [Feb. 18th, 2006|07:45 pm]
Friends Only
Friends Only
Link8 decisions|In a minute there is time...

To what point is a human considered able to be killed for science? [May. 19th, 2005|08:43 pm]
[Mood |crankyninjas+summoners+math=badass]
[Musica |FF Tactics in my heaaaad]

Talk about benefits vs consequences...

Read this....It's fascinating.


Streamlined CloningCollapse )</o:p></span></p>
Link2 decisions|In a minute there is time...

Better, and getting worse by the day. [Apr. 26th, 2005|06:20 pm]
[Mood |crusheddie die die die die die die...]
[Musica |Far from the best...might suit you better than the rest...]

Better--->Over mono.

I'd much rather be dead.

So much make-up work, so much shit.....And worst of all: I havn't practiced for a week and I completely suck now. Again. Right after I thought I got a lot better due to hours of work on fundementals. See where my work gets me?!  <------(that's my pessimism talking)

And *cuts stream of explitives* people are getting on my nerves.

I feel like such a downer, and it seems like all I have coming up is more work. More work, and more failure on my part to succeed up to par in anything. With the AP exam right around the corner, all this make up work due....TOMORROW and Thursday (3 sections of math, making up a math quiz, Math test on thursday, Chem. lab report due tomorrow, along with an article summary for last week, and one for this week due by friday, I gotta make up 2 playing tests in Band, Study like hell for the AP World exam, (DO) and turn in these questions for english- 22 of them, make up two tests in english Monday.....aah there's more I know it..) All this along with, of course, all the crap my teachers are giving me daily.

Most of my discourgement comes from horn and the fact that in orchestra, I'm constantly recieving the worst parts. For the Beethoven Serenade, I had third for the first month we've had the piece. And HEY!! lucky me, I finally have a solo that I can play really well, and the part is somewhat challenging!! In my excitement, I practiced the piece until I could play it superbly and artistically (including the semi-high stuff), when I took the initiative to say after school one day and actually work on playing instead of all the other stuff I could have done. And so, after this last week of struggling to breathe and not choke, I come back...and apparently, for the first time this year in orchestra, the horn section is (actually) following the parts assigned by Simmons instead of the old ones we chose ourselves (WTF IS THE REASON FOR THIS SHIT?!?!?) meaning, of course, because I just suck at playing and never ever practice or give a shit about anything having to do with music [insert enraged sarcasm], I get a fucking sucky part and someone else gets MY part!!!

*sigh*.....I donno, I'm firing off a whole bunch of rage at everyone and everything right now. I want to go off on someone, anyone, in specifics instead of generalizing my intense spite and hate for a couple people to the entire human race, but I'm not going to start blaming people anyhow because its not their fault......

.......God!!!..... why doesn't anyone think I can do it?! I'm so discouraged because no one candidly and just simply puts blind faith in me and believes in me, what I do, and what I want to do! No one thinks I can accomplish anything despite my aspirations, myself the least. I mean, Miller obviously thinks I suck because I'm not in Wind Ensemble, am I? And obviously, due to the fact that I get all crappy parts in orchestra except when I fight for the good ones (when Simmons doesn't assign parts), Simmons thinks I suck too. I mean, if I thought I was that bad, I wouldn't work anymore. I would just give up. But it's not even the fact that I work my ass off, and I practice every night. It's that no one cares that I do. No one even notices.

This doesn't only apply to horn, it applies to just about everything I work hard at--mainly music, acedemics, studying for [some] tests, competitions of any sort [life in itself], class rank, scholarships for anything........I work, and it's never the best, or its not good enough. I work hard sometimes, because I think I'll get what I want if I perservere, and then.....no one cares. They all think I can't do it and I suck!!

So then, I think to myself.....if I was good enough and worthy of success, maybe people would see that I am competent in at least one thing in life. I don't even want to be the BEST at something.......I just want to be competent and known for even one thing I work at and do well.

I guess........I just fail.........






[I] Chew on that, slowly and over time, I hope that maybe I'll suffocate. Maybe the pain will slow my rapid-fire thought.............?



Ah. But deference stopped working ages ago. Sorry. Sold out.






I hate









Link6 decisions|In a minute there is time...

(no subject) [Apr. 18th, 2005|03:48 pm]
[Mood |soreMONO SUXXX]
[Musica |My head hurts]

So...Collapse )

[unofficially until tomorrow]

I have Mono

Link2 decisions|In a minute there is time...

Gimme a top 10 list of your FAV books for me to read: (or more) [Apr. 18th, 2005|02:48 pm]


(Im going to do something productive over this surgical summer)

Austen, Jane -Pride and Prejudice 
Brontë, Charlotte -Jane Eyre
Brontë, Emily -Wuthering Heights
Conrad, Joseph -Heart of Darkness
Crane, Stephen -The Red Badge of Courage
Dante -Inferno (and the last two)
de Cervantes, Miguel -Don Quixote
Dickens, Charles -A Tale of Two Cities
Dostoyevsky, Fyodor -Crime and Punishment
Dumas, Alexandre -The Three Musketeers
Ellison, Ralph -Invisible Man
Fitzgerald, F. Scott -The Great Gatsby
Golding, William -Lord of the Flies
Hawthorne, Nathaniel -The Scarlet Letter
Heller, Joseph -Catch 22
Hugo, Victor -The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Melville, Herman -Moby Dick
Morrison, Toni -Beloved
Plath, Sylvia -The Bell Jar
Poe, Edgar Allan -Selected Tales
Salinger, J.D. -The Catcher in the Rye
Shakespeare, William -Hamlet
Shakespeare, William -Macbeth
Sophocles -Oedipus Rex
Steinbeck, John -The Grapes of Wrath
Stevenson, Robert Louis -Treasure Island
Stowe, Harriet Beecher -Uncle Tom's Cabin
Tolstoy, Leo -War and Peace
Voltaire -Candide
Vonnegut, Kurt Jr. -Slaughterhouse-Five
Wilde, Oscar -The Picture of Dorian Gray
Wright, Richard -Native Son

Also I have to read The book of 5 Rings, All Three LOTR, The Clockwork Orange, Silas Marner...

And a whole bunch more I can't remember.

Link2 decisions|In a minute there is time...

..this is the place where time reverses.... [Apr. 18th, 2005|02:20 pm]
[Mood |confusedwondering]
[Musica |Beck]

This is really to Albert directly... famisheternity

And, for all of you, if you want it, indirectly. 

Concerning awakenings from numbness.....(read Al's entry)...

hm...(don't mind my rambling since im kinda retarded)

...Well, that one person may not come as the form of a person...i mean, lots of things could make you 'awaken' (i use this in the sense of self-discovery, and not so much as a jarring impact in one's life), and as you discover more about yourself and your own personality, you may awaken yourself (im thinking about a bud blooming when I write this). Or, an event might inspire you, or a person. Whatever it is, it woln't happen overnight obviously, but whenever you think about it, and whenever you try and just follow your instincts and dreams and your own will (without outside stimulus), you could be getting steadily closer over time.

[again, i realize that im talking about self discovery and not so much...awakening to reality...however, if you discover yourself, you might not feel as lost as I do now in the stream of water that some say is reality]

Its like finding pieces to a puzzle; you don't know the entire picture until you find all the pieces and put them all together. Your feeling of completion, and your awakening, comes AFTER the search. Some spend years searching, and others just find their awakening on their own, or it hits them in the face. Regardless of the type of person you are, no time is truely wasted. Like Edison said: "I havn't failed, I've simply found 1000 ways that do not work."

Also, if you're like me, you might feel like nothing has a purpose, and that you're just pushing through everything aimlessly...and I don't know what to do about that. But hey, don't give up, we're all cheering for you, and we know you'll awaken someday (into a beautiful and wonderous being, moreso than you are already!)

Remember: because you spend hours thinking, you might just be on the road to discovery TO that awakening...you might awaken yourself. But whatever it is, you'll find it. I know you will.


1. 2005. Some random kid who gave me these crazy ideas.......12weeks

LinkIn a minute there is time...

You're a Symphony man with one fucking note... [Mar. 31st, 2005|09:45 pm]
[Mood |cheerfulcheerful]
[Musica |Elliot Smith/ Streetlight Manifesto]

Abnormal days like today are really good for the soul, I realize. Today was interesting, and the school part of it was kinda sucky. But now that I get home, I feel really accomplished and fatigued mentally, since I really didn’t get a mental break today. Math was all about amending Mr. Smith when he did math problems he didn’t know how to do, and restraining myself from (mentally and physically) bashing the really obtuse kids in my class that laugh at Mr. Smith because he didn’t see the answer to the problem like I did. I mean, it would be ok if they laughed at him and they were intelligent, but because they’re about 10000 times more dense than a mole of lead, it’s not a good idea. Idiots.


I know I sound mean and elitist…well, tough. Deal with it. I’m so tired of people mentally lacking in areas that they shouldn’t. I mean, if they can’t keep up with the class, why are they there!? But mostly I’m sick of the immaturity of people in high school. They act so gay all the time…jerks. And they annoy us all. *face to keyboard*

 The rest of school...uuggCollapse )

Then, after a mental breakdown (internal combustion) I went to Publix with Liana, Albert, Giacomo, Katie, and some other random girl I don’t know, ate cake and MOUNDS of whipped cream (the good kind!! Albert went crazy with ‘oh so sensual’ whipped cream-haha!), pineapple, green tea, and Hawaiian bread. Best deal ever for $3.26? I should think so.

Then I had a lesson, which was terrible, but made me want to practice forever and a day until I didn’t sound like crap anymore. So it’s good motivation, I suppose. Afterwards, I just hung out around school, talking to whomever I pleased and catching up with my band major friends. I found myself wandering around campus with Albert and just venting to the (poor) kid, and talking with him. It was just like the good old days when I didn’t care if anyone liked me, and people didn’t bug me with their whimsical egotism and immaturity like they do now. A typical day in the life of a band dork. I loved it! And I caught up with so many of my friends, too. It was one of those perfect days, where you just sit in the soccer field, talking to a good friend and watching the sunset, and talking about how amazing people are in general, and all the people that inspires one on a daily basis. Our conversation was refreshing and upbeat, mainly positive stuff that made me feel appreciative (and also like a huge callous whiny brat for thinking less of stupid people that annoyed the hell out of me earlier). The type of day where the only thing that makes your day is seeing a cloud shaped like Einstein holding a revolver 007 style. Freaking awesome clouds.


Pops concert was really good, even the spastic polyphonic oboe solo. Which was amazing, BTW. Really odd. But really cool.


And Ska makes me really happy when I listen to it and swank like a moron. Hehe.

Link6 decisions|In a minute there is time...

HEY YOU fill this out! [Mar. 20th, 2005|05:39 pm]

Ok, so I totally stole this from Shelby. But fill it out anyways...I want to see how creative you are. Yeah, its a test. Go!

01. I _____ Emily.

02. Emily is _____.

03. If i were alone in a room with Emily, i would _____.

04. I think Emily would _____.

05. Emily needs _____.

06. I want to _____ Emily.

07. Someday Emily will _____.

08. Emily reminds me of _____.

09.Without Emily_____.

10. My memories of Emily are _____.

11. Emily can be _____.

12.The worst thing about Emily is _____.

13. The best thing about Emily is _____.

14.If I could describe Emily in one word, it would be _____.

15.I wish me and Emily ___.

Link3 decisions|In a minute there is time...

HAHAHAHAHA [Mar. 19th, 2005|10:24 am]
[Mood |energeticenergetic]
[Musica |badger badger badger badger]

Progress Report for:  *******  <-------that's me

Grade Level: **  <-------That's my grade level
CHEMISTRY I HON                                Absent Days: 0
CINQUIN, M                                            Tardy Days: 0
Final Average: 72.60
Final Grade: C



Why am I laughing?!

Link6 decisions|In a minute there is time...

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]