|||||die die die die die die die...||]|
|||||Far from the best...might suit you better than the rest...||]|
I'd much rather be dead.
So much make-up work, so much shit.....And worst of all: I havn't practiced for a week and I completely suck now. Again. Right after I thought I got a lot better due to hours of work on fundementals. See where my work gets me?! <------(that's my pessimism talking)
And *cuts stream of explitives* people are getting on my nerves.
I feel like such a downer, and it seems like all I have coming up is more work. More work, and more failure on my part to succeed up to par in anything. With the AP exam right around the corner, all this make up work due....TOMORROW and Thursday (3 sections of math, making up a math quiz, Math test on thursday, Chem. lab report due tomorrow, along with an article summary for last week, and one for this week due by friday, I gotta make up 2 playing tests in Band, Study like hell for the AP World exam, (DO) and turn in these questions for english- 22 of them, make up two tests in english Monday.....aah there's more I know it..) All this along with, of course, all the crap my teachers are giving me daily.
Most of my discourgement comes from horn and the fact that in orchestra, I'm constantly recieving the worst parts. For the Beethoven Serenade, I had third for the first month we've had the piece. And HEY!! lucky me, I finally have a solo that I can play really well, and the part is somewhat challenging!! In my excitement, I practiced the piece until I could play it superbly and artistically (including the semi-high stuff), when I took the initiative to say after school one day and actually work on playing instead of all the other stuff I could have done. And so, after this last week of struggling to breathe and not choke, I come back...and apparently, for the first time this year in orchestra, the horn section is (actually) following the parts assigned by Simmons instead of the old ones we chose ourselves (WTF IS THE REASON FOR THIS SHIT?!?!?) meaning, of course, because I just suck at playing and never ever practice or give a shit about anything having to do with music [insert enraged sarcasm], I get a fucking sucky part and someone else gets MY part!!!
*sigh*.....I donno, I'm firing off a whole bunch of rage at everyone and everything right now. I want to go off on someone, anyone, in specifics instead of generalizing my intense spite and hate for a couple people to the entire human race, but I'm not going to start blaming people anyhow because its not their fault......
.......God!!!..... why doesn't anyone think I can do it?! I'm so discouraged because no one candidly and just simply puts blind faith in me and believes in me, what I do, and what I want to do! No one thinks I can accomplish anything despite my aspirations, myself the least. I mean, Miller obviously thinks I suck because I'm not in Wind Ensemble, am I? And obviously, due to the fact that I get all crappy parts in orchestra except when I fight for the good ones (when Simmons doesn't assign parts), Simmons thinks I suck too. I mean, if I thought I was that bad, I wouldn't work anymore. I would just give up. But it's not even the fact that I work my ass off, and I practice every night. It's that no one cares that I do. No one even notices.
This doesn't only apply to horn, it applies to just about everything I work hard at--mainly music, acedemics, studying for [some] tests, competitions of any sort [life in itself], class rank, scholarships for anything........I work, and it's never the best, or its not good enough. I work hard sometimes, because I think I'll get what I want if I perservere, and then.....no one cares. They all think I can't do it and I suck!!
So then, I think to myself.....if I was good enough and worthy of success, maybe people would see that I am competent in at least one thing in life. I don't even want to be the BEST at something.......I just want to be competent and known for even one thing I work at and do well.
I guess........I just fail.........
[I] Chew on that, slowly and over time, I hope that maybe I'll suffocate. Maybe the pain will slow my rapid-fire thought.............?
Ah. But deference stopped working ages ago. Sorry. Sold out.